How to Break-Up with someone, kindly.
Let’s just be clear, there’s no ‘right’ way to break up with someone. It’s often painful, messy, complicated, confusing and sometimes unexpected– but if you are the one in control, there are ways in which to end your relationship with a scrap of kindness and a lot of dignity. It’s no easy feat and it’s certainly not a one-size-fits-all approach, but it can be done.
Here’s how:
Commit to the Break-Up
Like most things in life, it can be difficult to be 100% sure that breaking-up with someone is the right thing to do, but once you feel past 95% sure, it’s time to act. By act – I don’t mean sending a text, email or simply ghosting them (more on this later). I mean having the courage and integrity to organise the right time for a grown-up, respectful conversation that minimalises miscommunication and any further pain. Our feelings can fluctuate along with our emotions, and can be dependent on so many different elements – stress at work, family dynamics, feeling overwhelmed etc. Feelings don’t change overnight, so make sure that you are 100% clear on your motivation for ending the relationship, and that it’s not a reaction to something else or done on a whim. There’s nothing less kind (or more traumatizing) than a ‘surprise’ break-up. If something is bothering you, doesn’t feel right or you have concerns – share them. There are two people’s feelings involved, and it can be helpful to weigh up all your options before making the break.
Preparation is key
Being prepared is entirely un-romantic, but practically very important. For example, don’t add insult to injury by dumping someone in public – knowing they will weep all the way down the Northern Line. Find a time and a place that feels private, and if you’re able to, give them some warning that you need to have a serious conversation with them. Allow yourself and the other person enough time and space to talk without being interrupted (yes that rules out a lunch break). You don’t always know how the other person will react, but it’s likely they will be hurt and if nothing else, their ego will take a bashing. If you have got to this point, it’s most likely they will see it coming and you will have had discussions in the lead up. Regardless, show up with kindness, honesty and respect. Know what it is you want to say, but don’t be wedded to a ‘script’ and come across heartless. Sit down with them, get your breath, gather your thoughts. Rushing through the door and blurting out your pre-prepared dumping can feel very savage for the person on the receiving end. Whatever history you have, you cared for them enough at one point to make the commitment, so keep that in mind when handling their heart.
Honesty
There is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, and it really is important to remind yourself of this. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and if you’re just not ‘feeling it’, you are well within your rights to end it. In the long term, it’s probably for the best and you are doing the right thing for both people involved. However, let me just define the difference between being honest, and being cruel. In an already very difficult situation where it’s likely one person is feeling very hurt, sometimes complete honesty can come off as heartless. If you can, and you almost always can, avoid getting too personal. There’s no need to cause unnecessary hurt. If your feelings have changed, you don’t fancy someone anymore or you’ve decided you’d rather just be alone – that’s ok, but you can keep the small print to yourself and spare them the extra brutality of details. Try and be really honest with yourself first about exactly why you don’t want to be with that person anymore, and if you can, look inwards and get to the root of the issue. Perhaps you are not ready to commit, or feel you’ve moved too quickly. If you’re confused about where the line is drawn between being honest and being brutal – talk to your friends, seek out their advice or at the very least, try and put yourself in the shoes of your (soon to be) ex.
Damage Control
When you’re leading up to a break-up or a difficult conversation, it can be easy to lose perspective on why you were together in the first place. At one point; you loved them, their stupid jokes or the way you felt when you were with them – so don’t lose sight of that. We are all human and we change and evolve, but demonising your other-half or your relationship minimises everything you shared, at one point or another. If you have mutual friends or lots of crossover within your social circle, don’t forget that word travels. Meaning its extra important to put your kindest, most respectful foot forward – even if just for the damage control. The last thing you need is outsiders weighing in with their opinion on your break-up strategy – so by keeping their dignity intact (and yours in the process), you will minimise the gossip.
Our actions have consequences, and it goes without saying that this is on a varying scale. When you hold someone’s heart in your hands, you have been trusted and let in – which is a very sacred and special feeling. Don’t throw it back in their face and slam the door on the way out. Like everything in life; be kind, be gentle and show compassion. It will help you in the long run and you’ll make the process a lot less messy for everyone involved.
This article was written for The Daily Express