Let’s talk about: Post-engagement anxiety
Feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad or confused after getting engaged is completely normal, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Saying ‘yes’ can instantly shift your entire identity, and it often feels as though life (as you know it) will never be the same. Naturally, this can feel overwhelming, and with monumental change comes a whole range of human emotions.
For many, it’s not the commitment that feels stressful, it’s the actual proposal. It is most likely something that’s been discussed and agreed upon between both parties, but this doesn’t always deplete the shock. While the ‘proposer’ has had months to make plans, choose the ring, organise the proposal, and adjust to the shift, the ‘proposee’ is more often than not completely caught off guard. There’s a big different between talk and action. It’s also normal at this stage to feel a sense of disappointment, and that the actual moment was anti-climatical. It’s probably something you have built up so much in your head, that often reality doesn’t meet expectation – and that’s ok too.
Additional anxiety can be formed as it’s not only you that’s adjusting to your newfound identity, but your friends, family, colleagues and loved ones. The outpouring of love, bombardment of texts, well-meaning calls and cards is enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed, especially if you’re not used to being the centre of attention or declaring your love so publicly.
If you’re pre-disposed to any form of anxiety (and who isn’t these days), then it’s likely your mind has generated a huge range of ‘what if’ thoughts in the lead up to the event. When and where it might happen, what will the ring look like, will I instinctively know it’s about to happen? Instead of the proposal just ending these worries and fearful thoughts, they can just be shifted to the next phase of thinking – thoughts about the actual wedding, the planning, the finances, the guest list etc. Your anxiety induced thoughts can easily just shift from one event to the next, unless you consciously break the pattern.
Tips on how to deal with it:
Firstly, whatever you’re feeling is completely normal. Just because you didn’t expect to feel this way, it doesn’t mean it’s anything to panic about. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of your feelings, while trying to remove any shame or judgement on yourself.
A really helpful and arguably the most important step to coping with this form of anxiety, is to try and get to the bottom of it. In order to overcome it, you have to understand it. Which element of the engagement are you struggling with? It could be a number of any things, ranging from; feeling overwhelmed by the financial commitment of planning a wedding to simply being someone who doesn’t cope well with change. Get out your pen and paper, and write a list of absolutely everything you’re worrying about. Use this to try and identify themes and triggers, in order to take back control of your emotions and focus on the things you can change (as opposed to those you can’t).
Despite being hideously cliché, it’s completely true that a problem shared is a problem halved. Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to your partner, chances are they are dealing with their own wave of unexpected emotion. Allow them the opportunity to truly understand how you’re feeling, and trust that it will build on your existing foundation of communication, trust and honesty.
If you’re still struggling with your feelings and aren’t able to understand them on your own, then it can be incredibly beneficial (for both parties) to seek external support. This can come in many forms – from coaching to couples therapy. There’s no shame in asking for help, and just know that it will ultimately strengthen your relationship and allow you to enjoy this exciting time in your life!